1 Corinthians 12:9 is a great place to start my blog. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". I heard something like that in my heart of hearts on Sunday morning when I was in church, sort of doing my best to give my all to God in worship, but sort of wallowing in my disappointment because the dress I had planned to wear today was too tight across my butt to call a fit anymore.
Let me put things in perspective. I have never really had to diet in my life. Well, I have had times of slightly more "big-ness" in between the births of my four babies. I definitely wasn't always pleased with the way my body looked during those years, and asked for a lot of confirmation from my husband during that time. Which he gave, willingly, truthfully, and lovingly. But since our fourth was born, things levelled out again, and as the children got older, I was even able to start working on fitness. I took up running, which culminated in the completion of a full marathon last year in November. I also spent a year's membership at the local gym. So I was in pretty peak body shape that year. And I liked it. My husband did too :-). Probably mostly because I liked it. It made me happy. I felt pretty good about my physical self.
A few factors came together during and after my marathon that caused me to get off the running and fitness wagon: I'd started a full time job; I had a tough time completing the marathon because my body couldn't hold enough calories etc. to carry me safely through; I'd checked that bucket list item off; it was winter, and way too cold to spend much time outside. You know, those excuses, that are all very valid. So I quit running. I had no time to go to the gym either. No exercise, pretty much at all. Before my running phase, I was never much of a fitness person. Just the regular walking and doing of life was enough to keep me in pretty good shape, and my inefficient digestive system kept things moving through quickly and from settling too badly around my body. Yep, I'd never had to worry about my shape, and on the whole I was always pretty pleased with what I saw when I stood sideways and looked in the mirror.
Here's the big "then", or the "but". Actually, it's the big "butt". Since starting at my office job, and doing away with exercising, my butt has begun to grow. And my stomach won't lay as flat anymore. You know what - many people would say "what are you talking about?", "what are you complaining about??" because I'm not big at all by so many standards. But I'm not referring to anyone else. I'm just talking about me. I'm 15 pounds bigger than I was 12 months ago, and that's hard for me. I don't feel like "me". Or maybe more accurately, I don't like the new "me". And so, as I had to face the fact that a dress that fit me perfectly well a year ago, even a few months ago, now no longer does, I was faced with the dread of a new reality.
My wonderful, supportive husband had some wise thoughts to share. First - "there's more of you to love"; another "I love you just the way you are"; then, when those weren't working "let's go for a walk together once a week", and "I heard that walking backwards is really good for the gluteus maximus" (which we later found out it isn't, actually). But I didn't really want his wise words. Because I have this niggling feeling that there's another thing going on here. Something people only really speak about in whispers. Age. I'm heading for the ripe old age of forty, and I think my body is realizing it. I never will be what I was again - there's a new reality on its way ....
And so I pouted as I sat and stood and sang in church. And then I heard a still, small voice saying something deep inside. Something like "I must become weak, so that God will be strong". And I thought - maybe God is trying to get back to his rightful place in me. Maybe I have been putting myself too high, and my God too low. When I look too often at myself in the mirror, and admire the flatness of my stomach (now past) and the shapeliness of my legs (yes, dumb, hey?), I've been messing with my relationship with God. Yes, I know God wants us to take care of our bodies, and healthy fitness habits result in healthy emotions, etc. But there is easily such a thing as trusting too much in self, focusing too much on me. Pretending to rely on God's strength, but really resting in my own. Relying on God for some things, but not making him my All in All.
I need to work on letting go of myself, and seeing God for who he is. Putting myself to the side and letting him be All powerful. Letting myself be weak, so that I can revel in the true experience of his Grace.
Spirit - change me! Yes, if that means a new physical reality for me, so that it sinks in, help me to accept that, and rejoice in even that.
